做人做事的普遍原则

Before we commence reading How To Win Friends And Influence People, we should first realize that this book had been written to be used to as textbook for the author's course in Effective speaking and Human relationship and it still used for today.


So please not categorize this book as Self-help or Motivational book which often be degraded by those who unceasingly declaim how badly they hate this sort of things.


Dealing with people is probably the biggest problem we face, especially if you are in business. Those principles can apply to all walks of people.


If you wish to get the most out of this book, there is one indispensable requirement, one essential infinitely more important than any rule or technique. Unless you have this one fundamental requisite, a thousand rules on how to study will avail little.

What is this magic requirement? Just this: a deep, driving desire to learn, a vigorous determination to increase your ability to deal with people.


Once you believe,that works.


“Education,” said the author “is the ability to meet life’s situations,”

If by the time you have finished reading the first three chapters of this book- if you aren’t then a little better equipped to meet life’s situations, then I shall consider this book to be a total failure so far as you are concerned. For “the great aim of education,” said the author, “is not knowledge but action.”


And this is an action book :)


----------------------------------


readingnote:


第一大章：怎样赢得朋友


原则一：永远不要去批评别人

很精辟，我们应该转换方式，让他们自己发现，或者用一种温和，婉转的方式，反之就算是中肯的批评也是有害无利



1.ninety-nine times out of a hundred, people don’t criticize themselves for anything, no matter how wrong it may be.


2.Criticism is futile because it puts a person on the defensive and usually makes him strive to justify himself. Criticism is dangerous, because it wounds a person’s precious pride, hurts his sense of importance, and arouses resentment
  

3.Let’s realize that the person we are going to correct and condemn will probably justify himself or herself, and condemn us in return or, like the gentle Taft, will say: “I don’t see how I could have done any differently from what I have.


4.每当我们想要批评别人的时候，想想这句话：“I don’t see how I could have done any differently from what I have”Judge not, that ye be not judged


5.最真诚的忠告------勿责人，常思已过：Do you know someone you would like to change and regulate and improve? Good! That is fine. I am all in favor of it, But why not begin on yourself? From a purely selfish standpoint, that is a lot more profitable than trying to improve others - yes, and a lot less dangerous. “Don’t complain about the snow on your neighbor’s roof,” said Confucius, “when your own doorstep is unclean.”

6.每个人都是感性的动物：When dealing with people, let us remember we are not dealing with creatures of logic. We are dealing with creatures of emotion, creatures bristling with prejudices and motivated by pride and vanity.

7.我们应该做的：Instead of condemning people, let’s try to understand them. Let’s try to figure out why they do what they do. That’s a lot more profitable and intriguing than criticism and it breeds sympathy, tolerance and kindness. “To know all is to forgive all.”

------------------------------

原则二 如何与人打交道---Give honest and sincere appreciation

1、（有道理！）There is only one way under high heaven to get anybody to do anything. Did you ever stop to think of that? Yes, just one way. And that is by making the other person want to do it. Remember, there is no other way.


2.每个人都得到赞扬啊：The deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated.The desire for a feeling of importance is one of the chief distinguishing differences between mankind and the animals

3. 赞扬和奉承的区别：The difference between appreciation and flattery? That is simple. One is sincere and the other insincere. One comes from the heart out,the other from the teeth out. One is unselfish,the other selfish. One is universally admired, the other universally condemned.

4.多点发自内心的感激，别吝啬对我们爱的人的赞扬：When we are not engaged in thinking about some definite problem, we usually spend about 95 percent of our time thinking about ourselves. Now, if we stop thinking about ourselves for a while and begin to think of the other person’s good points, we won’t have to resort to flattery so cheap and false that it can be spotted almost before it is out of the mouth

5. 真的是这样呢：Let’s cease thinking of our accomplishments, our wants. Let’s try to figure out the other person’s good points. Then forget flattery. Give honest, sincere appreciation. Be “hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise,” and people will cherish your words and treasure them and repeat them over a lifetime -repeat them years after you have forgotten them

------------------------------------------


原则三. 去谈论人家感兴趣的事----Arouse in the other person an eager want

1.少谈自己，谈大家的兴趣和利益所在：So the only way cm earth to influence other people is to talk about what they want and show them how to get it. Remember that tomorrow when you are trying to get somebody to do something. If, for example, you don’t want your children to smoke, don’t preach at them, and don’t talk about what you want? but show them that cigarettes may keep them from making the basketball team or winning the hundred-yard dash.（销售的人应该学学，学会从他人的角度看问题）

2.If out of reading this book you get just one thing- an increased tendency to think always in terms of other people’s point of view, and see things from their angle - if you get that one thing out of this book, it may easily prove to be one of the building blocks of your career.



3、我们的目的不是为了操纵人，而是实现双赢：Looking at the other person’s point of view and arousing in him an eager want for something is not to be construed as manipulating that person so that he will do something that is only for your benefit and his detriment

----------------------------------

第二大章：怎样让人喜欢你


原则一：Become genuinely interested in other people--对他人感兴趣

1.If we want to make friends, let’s put ourselves out to do things for other people -things that require time, energy, unselfishness and thoughtfulness


2.If we want to make friends, let’s greet people with animation and enthusiasm. When somebody calls you on the telephone use the same psychology

-------------------

原则二：经常微笑


1.Actions speak louder than words, and a smile says, “I like you, You make me happy. I am glad to see you.”That is why dogs make such a hit. They are so glad to see us that they almost jump out of their skins. So, naturally, we are glad to see them. A baby’s smile has the same effect



2.A man without a smiling face must not open a shop.”Your smile is a messenger of your good will. Your smile brightens the lives of all who see it. To someone who has seen a dozen people frown, scowl or turn their faces away, your smile is like the sun breaking through the clouds. Especially when that someone is under pressure from his bosses, his customers, his teachers or parents or children, a smile can help him realize that all is not hopeless -that there is joy in the world.


--------------------------------



原则三：记住别人的名字

Remember that a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language


----------------------



原则四： 做一个好的听众，让别人去谈论自己（Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves）

So if you aspire to be a good conversationalist, be an attentive listener. To be interesting, be interested. Ask questions that other persons will enjoy answering. Encourage them to talk about themselves and their accomplishments.
Remember that the people you are talking to are a hundred times more interested in themselves and their wants and problems than they are in you and your problems. A person’s toothache means more to that person than a famine in China which kills a million people. A boil on one’s neck interests one more than forty earthquakes in Africa. Think of that the next time you start a conversation


---------------------


原则五：谈别人感兴趣的事（Talk in terms of the other person’s interests. ）


-----------------------


原则六：承认对方的优点和对自己的重要性（Make the other person feel important-and do it sincerely）



The unvarnished truth is that almost all the people you meet feel themselves superior to you in some way, and a sure way to their hearts is to let them realize in some subtle way that you recognize their importance, and recognize it sincerely. Remember what Emerson said: “Every man I meet is my superior in some way. In that, I learn of him.


-------------------------------


第三大章：How to Win People to Your Way of Thinking


原则一：避免和人辩论，因为你永远不会赢---这个，偶觉得还是方式的问题，不过还是尽量避免好了，因为没啥意义啊！：）The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it

You can’t win an argument. You can’t because if you lose it, you lose it,and if you win it, you lose it. Why?Well, suppose you triumph over the other man and shoot This argument full of holes and prove that he is non compos mentis.Then what? You will feel fine. But what about him? You have made him feel inferior. You have hurt his pride. He will resent your triumph. And A man convinced against his will Is of the same opinion still


If you argue and rankle and contradict, you may achieve a victory sometimes, but it will be an empty victory because you will never get your opponent’s good wil

-----------------

独立一段，关于怎样应对argument的建议：

一 不同的见解是有益的：Welcome the disagreement. Remember the slogan, “When two partners always agree, one of them is not necessary.” If there is some point you haven’t thought about, be thankful if it is brought to your attention. Perhaps this disagreement is your opportunity to be corrected before you make a serious mistake.

二：(别相信你的第一直觉印象--适用于异见）Distrust your first instinctive impression. Our first natural reaction in a disagreeable situation is to be defensive. Be careful. Keep calm and watch out for your first reaction. It may be you at your worst, not your best

三（控制你的脾气）Control your temper. Remember, you can measure the size of a person by what makes him or her angry. Listen first. Give your opponents a chance to talk. Let them finish. Do not resist, defend or debate. This only raises barriers. Try to build bridges of understanding. Don’t build higher barriers of misunderstanding.



四：求同存异：Look for areas of agreement. When you have heard your opponents out, dwell first on the points and areas on which
you agree.



五：诚实： Be honest, Look for areas where you can admit error and say so. Apologize for your mistakes. It will help disarm your
opponents and reduce defensiveness.


六：Promise to think over your opponents’ ideas and study them carefully. And mean it. Your opponents may be right. It is a lot easier at this stage to agree to think about their points than to move rapidly ahead and find yourself in a position where your opponents can say: “We tried to tell you, but you wouldn’t listen.”



七：感谢你的对手：Thank your opponents sincerely for their interest. Anyone who takes the time to disagree with you is interested in the same things you are. Think of them as people who really want to help you, and you may turn your opponents into friends.



八：给点时间给对方（很重要，很多时候回头看，会觉得当时狠傻，没必要为这问题吵，也从另一方面得出，和人去争论什么，真的没啥意义）Postpone action to give both sides time to think through the problem


---------------------------

原则二：别告诉别人自己比他们要高明

这段狠有哲理，别证明自己比其他人聪明，就算知道，也别告诉他

That is a challenge. It arouses opposition and makes the listener want to battle with you before you even start. It is difficult, under even the most benign conditions, to change people’s minds. So why make it harder? Why handicap yourself? If you are going to prove anything, don’t let anybody know it. Do it so subtly, so adroitly, that no one will feel that you are doing it.


This was expressed succinctly by Alexander Pope: Men must be taught as if you taught them not And things unknown proposed as things forgot.


Over three hundred years ago Galileo said: You cannot teach a man anything? you can only help him to find it within himself.



As Lord Chesterfield said to his son: Be wiser than other people if you can? but do not tell them so.



（勇于承认错误是最对的）You will never get into trouble by admitting that you may be wrong. That will stop all argument and inspire your opponent to be just as fair and open and broad-minded as you are. It will make him want to admit that he, too, may be wrong


------------

原则三：勇于认错



When we are right, let’s try to win people gently and tactfully to our way of thinking, and when we are wrong and that will be surprisingly often, if we are honest with ourselves - let’s admit our mistakes quickly and with enthusiasm. Not only will that technique produce astonishing results? but, believe it or not, it is a lot more
fun, under the circumstances, than trying to defend oneself.


Remember the old proverb: "By fighting you never get enough, but by yielding you get more than you expected.”


----------------


原则四：以友好的方式开始 Begin in a friendly way.



--------------

原则五： Get the other person saying “yes, yes”


------------------------


原则六：Let the other person do a great deal of the talking.
（这里和上面有点重复了，其实这里有很多原则是共通的）


----------------


原则七：Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers


卡内基是个中国通，他引用了好多中国古代的谚语和道德经的东西：

" The reason why rivers and seas receive the homage of a hundred mountain streams is that they keep below them. Thus they are able to reign over all the mountain streams. So the sage, wishing to be above men, put himself below them, wishing to be before them, he put himself behind them. Thus, though his place be above men, they do not feel his weight,though his place be before them, they do not count it an injury.”

海纳百川，有容乃大


------------------------------


如果仅仅把这书当做是快餐书，励志书，成功学，


真的很可惜，


这书流传这么久真有它的道理，一些自以为是的“读书人”可能不屑看这类书，替他们遗憾。


一本值得反复看的经典之作，最重要是去实践上述的原则，


要记住：“This is an action book.”


2012.2.3

By Hammer